Umph.

It's 1:38 in the morning and I am listening to somethin bout,...people. LoL. I am P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C and I feel it. LoL. It's weird how I'm content even though I feel like shit. I broke up with my boyfriend roundabout 3 months ago and I haven't had anything serious or really liked a guy since, understandable right? Well, my friends who literally just broke up/got broke up with are goin on to new guys and are insisting on acting like lil school girls bout it. Like they have never flirted with a guy or the guys with them,... I love them both but I just don't understand. I sat there and comforted one of them while they were crying and asking me why their guy had left and I couldn't give her a good answer cause in truth it was her fault. She had cheated with his friend and told him and he stayed with her and then she had the damn balls to ask him if they could take a break. I didn't know what to say then and now aint much better. But no worries, she moved on to another one of her ex's friends, who just so happends to be a jerk major. Her ex is amazing. He is truly for the Lord and he would have treated her right and he would have supported her. She gave it up and all I do is wish I was like her. I know that if I was her I wouldn't have givin him up for the reasons she gave to me. He wasn't this and he wasn't that. I just wish I was as,... naive as her sometimes. Then maybe I could make the mistakes of a teen. I grew up way to fast, thrown into the grownup world way to early. Now that I have a chance to venture forth into that unknown world I have no idea how to give up my knowledge to learn what they know. I'm a virgin, and not because I'm "waiting" for the right guy,... that aint as important to me as the "right" time. If a girl aint ready then she'll never be the same in a really bad way. I just want somethin good. I'm easy to please, really. I aint a grump pot. I aint psycho. I'm the main person people run to, from my family to my friends. I have to give them advice and make sure they aint gonna do anythin "stupid". My groups notorious for that, lol. It's ok though I just need somewhere that I can go to vent my own steam. I won't say any names or anythin, just situations. This is the real life of an American teenager & I aint prego. That show just shows B.S. stuff that don't usually happen. IDK though,... my school is different I guess. But were a small town and things definatly don't stay a secret or hidden for long. Close knit community don't even begin to cover it. 

My Life Today,...

,... has been anything but easy. I am not by any means a person that likes to give or receive pity, especially to myself. I believe that everything is apart of some plan that God has written. I am a Christian even if I have fallen from the beaten path,... many, many times. I just don't have the drive I use to. I'm more,... "mellow",... than I ever thought I was capable of being. Especially with my anger management issues. I don't know what to do anymore,... I mean I'm not like suicidal or anything but I'm lost, there's nothing there to keep me on subject or on any given task. I have so much that I want to do, to accomplish but I just can't seem to make myself go after what I actually NEED to do. I sit alone either listening to music or just looking out, making up scenarios in my mind of things that I would rather be happening at that moment. I do what needs to be done and nothing more. I keep it simple and clean. I'm bored. I'm bored with my life. I'm bored with the life that I believe I have now stuck myself into for my future. I'm bored with my friends and their safe, self preserving selves. I need excitement, but I'm not stupid. I know that what I need to do is finish my senior year with grades good enough to get me at least into college. I don't need a guy but they are nice to have around,... especially when I'm sad. I remember running up to my ex one day after school and just wrapping my arms around his kneck. I've had better hugs,... that depressed me even more than my day had. That's the worst feeling in the world. Realizing what you have isn't as good as what you still wish you had gotten even if the guy your wishing for is scum. This year has been completly different that I had thought. I was dating a guy that I ended up getting engaged to about 2 weeks before we broke up. Parents hated him. It didn't start that way, but thats damn sure how it ended. He ended up being the guy that my mother had warned me about. Alcoholic, druggie, and abusive. All three rolled up into a not so small package. Yeah, I'm a girl that likes muscles, but I also like guys that are sweet and I absolutley LOVE being picked up and kissed while their holding me in their arms while giving me a light kiss on the lips. Although, I guess that's why this is a blog,... it's not meant for telling real life. It's about believes, wants, and needs. It gives everyone a place to share them without fear. Apparently, I'm just another broken hearted blogger that wishes to remain anonymous.

See you in the void,

One Dreamer